My momma (rip)

OK so some of you may think this is selfish so if you don't like the way it is going STOP READING!

I was only 8yrs old when my momma took her life. It was on New Years Eve. I was staying with a friend it was the 1st time I ever got to bring in the new year. It did not go how I expected it to go at all. My friend and I were in her room jumping on the bed watching a new yrs eve countdown. When we hear lots of sirens a few minutes later a knock at the door. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach that something isn't right. Well that hit me. There stood the preacher of my church. Followed by my sister and brother in law. They sit me down and begin this talk with me. My preacher had went to check on my momma and noticed the lights were on but she was gone. He asked a neighbor who said she took off on a walk. OK But why would she be out so late walking? Somewhere along the way we have found out she stopped at my godmothers and told her to tell us she loved us and that I needed to live with my dad. A call was placed to the police the person had found a body laying on the bank next to the river. My mother Beatrice Lee Eden Sevier took her life. She couldn't swim and went to the river and jumped in. Why in the world did my momma take her life? I don't know. I miss her so much. I have realized as I grow there are so many times I wish I could have picked up the phone and called her just to hear her voice. I don't remember her. Not her voice her smell nothing. She could have let me go stay with my dad if that's what she wanted. She could have decided I will let Kristina go to her dad but I will see her when I want to. No She took her life away. Now I am sitting her watching my children grow and realize how much my mom has missed in my life. 13 years she has missed! The birth of my first child, my wedding, and the birth of my second child. I would give anything to have my momma back. She has missed seeing how I have grown. How can a mother take her life and miss out on her child's life? I know that may sound selfish but I HAVE nothing that I remember from her. No memories what so ever!!! It sucks to see my sister in law treat her momma like shit! I would give anything to have stupid arguments with my mother as long as she was here. Here with me and my family. She will never know what a wonderful husband and father Vince is or how Kaytlee has this attitude that I would love to string her by the toes at times. or Kyler and his mischievous grin that says momma I am about to do something I know I am not suppose to. I have learned from all this that I WANT to be here for everything in my children's life. I want to be the mom that helps with school trips and holds sleepovers and car pools to take the kids skating. EVERYTHING!!! Big and small.